--> The big story of the day is Senator Ted Stevens' (R-AK) conviction on all 7 counts of corruption, due to his lying about receiving free renovations to his house. Stevens, the longest-serving Republican senator in history, was banking on being acquitted to have any chance of victory in a tight re-election campaign against Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich. Now, the U.S. Senate can most likely bid adieu to its ultimate coot.
Stevens faces up to 35 years in prison. He plans to appeal by email, putting his message into the tubes, so that it goes in and gets in line. Remember, the internet is NOT a truck that you can just dump things on, Senator Stevens. Perhaps, in your soon-to-be plenty of leisure time in Alaska, you can spend your golden years learning how to blog and using eBay.
--> Not to be outdone, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) also managed to make the news today. The Democrats' contender for "ultimate coot" is apparently facing expulsion from his Chairmanship of the powerful Senate Appropriations Committee. Apparently, Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided that Byrd is past his prime (about 3 decades past his prime), and Reid will attempt to ease Byrd out of his leadership position. Honestly, Byrd could probably use the rest.
EDC would like to make a humble suggestion to all the TV programming directors who undoubtedly read this blog: create a sitcom about Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens. Byrd, a retired Senator, and Stevens, a convicted felon just released from prison, are forced to share an apartment in New York City. Together, they come to terms with their place in the modern world, and learn a thing or two about each other in the process. In the season finale, they decide to run for the White House together, to "get those kids off our lawn." It's the feel good story of the decade, and would be terrific for fall sweeps. I call it Senators in Paradise. Might be better as a made-for-TV movie.
In all seriousness, John McCain does actually benefit from all this. Byrd and Stevens certainly make McCain look like a spring chicken.
--> And speaking of "get off my lawn, you darn kids," a 50-year-old Ohio man reportedly shot a 17-year-old boy in the arm with a .22-caliber rifle for attempting to steal his John McCain lawn sign. Honestly, people take this election stuff way too seriously.
--> In real news, Governor Charlie Crist (R-FL) today attempted to hand Florida's crucial 27 electoral votes to Senator Barack Obama. With the Democrats already establishing a huge advantage across the country thanks to early voting, Crist moved today to expand Florida's early voting hours from 8 hours per day to 12.
Who would stand in line for 12 hours to vote, you ask? These people. So when you're in line on Election Day, waiting to vote, and consider complaining or even giving up because of the wait, consider how you'd like to compare to residents of Georgia.
--> John McCain, despite all his struggles, did receive a surprising, crucial endorsement today from the world-famous Joe the Plumber. Samuel Wurzelbacher agreed that "a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel," clearly demonstrating why Ohio voters will have no problem electing him to Congress in two years. Also, let's note that this McCain rally took place at a "flag store." Now that's what I call manufactured patriotism.
--> You know that the election is a week away when the campaign's influence on professional sports is the subject of multiple news stories. First there is the controversy over Barack Obama's half-hour primetime special tomorrow night, which reportedly pushed the start of the World Series game back 15 minutes. It's even become a McCain talking point, trying to appeal to angry, undecided baseball fans of the ironically swing-state teams in the World Series. Unfortunately for him, a Fox executive today refuted that claim, explaining that the Obama TV buy will merely eliminate the (incredibly annoying) pregame show, not actually delay the start of the game. So I'm sorry, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, but we won't get a chance to hear your amazing analysis on how the "keys to the game" are "playing better than the opponent."
In other ridiculous news, the owner of the Miami Dolphins is apparently planning to rush the sale of the team in order to avoid President Obama's expected tax increases for the super-duper wealthy. Someone should remind Mr. Huizenga that the Democrats are not proposing a suck-tax, so the Dolphins will probably be fine either way.
--> And finally, some metaphorical justice:
1) The Straight Talk Express gets a flat.
2) The campaigns handle weather differently. McCain melts. Obama fights.
More tomorrow.
Update: I've decided on the official mechanism for determining if you have been following the election too closely. I can spell Joe the Plumber's last name without looking it up. Now return to your business.
1 comment:
"It's the feel good story of the decade, and would be terrific for fall sweeps. I call it Senators in Paradise. Might be better as a made-for-TV movie."
"I've decided on the official mechanism for determining if you have been following the election too closely. I can spell Joe the Plumber's last name without looking it up."
You are irrevocably insane.
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