Obama Can't Dunk, and Takes Out His Frustration On Children! 119 Days to Go!

Sorry for the extended Independence Day break. I hope it gave you all time for much-needed patriotic introspection, and that you all spent time remembering the proud memories of all our 4th of July American heroes: Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Takeru Kobayashi, etc. Lets get right to the fun news stories we have for you today.

--> Senator Jim Webb (D-VA) announced yesterday that "under no circumstances will I be a candidate for Vice President." Webb was considered by many to be Obama's strongest choice of running mate, combining his "hey look I live in a swing state" credentials with a brilliant military background. Here at EDC, I've been advocating Obama choosing him if he wasn't gonna pick Hillary. Apparently, Webb decided he wasn't going to seek the spot once Obama's team asked him for some background info. One can only imagine the skeletons in this guy's closet that prevented him from seeking the job. Or maybe he just thinks that the Vice Presidency is the equivalent of a toilet.

--> So, with Webb out of contention, EDC will now give you a brief rundown of the remaining VP candidates for Barack. There's Hill-Dawg, Bill Richardson, Wesley "People Don't Listen to What I'm Actually Saying" Clark, Kathleen Sebelius, Janet Napolitano (who happens to be chairing the DNC's Platform Drafting Committee), and Sam Nunn. If it turns out to be someone else, then color me surprised. I think Napolitano is a wildly talented, popular politician, but her identity as a white woman might anger some still-pissy Hillary supporters. Same with Richardson, only without the talented, white woman part. Nunn's questionable views on gays in the military might cause liberals some concern, and Clark has already been a source of controversy this year.

--> Of course, none of this VP talk matters unless something happened to Barack Obama, because in the end it's the President's job to run the country, and the VP's job to watch his/her heart rate. Obama actually had an interesting near-near-near-death experience yesterday, as his plane was forced to land unexpectedly in St. Louis due to a technical problem in controlling the plane's pitch. Of course, the plane was always within the control of the pilots, but if Obama played his cards right this story could be a great story for the media. Just another way for him to emphasize his youth and vitality in this race, of course. I bet McCain couldn't even save his own private jet using only his power of flight. Here's basically what happened:

Just to clarify, Obama's campaign jet carries a space shuttle on top. Not sure why...

Obama quickly sneaks into the men's room, and dons his spandex.

And everyone lives happily ever after. At least until Dick Cheney tries to conquer the west coast.

Anyway... enough of this tangent.

--> Speaking of Vice-Presidents, one of McCain's potential running mates is quite an interesting character. Carly Fiorina, former chief of Hewlett-Packard, is widely considered to be on John McCain's short-list, as her strengths perfectly complement his. She is a woman, and he is not. She knows something about the economy, he does not. She would actually be a very intriguing choice, especially because of how candid she is, as demonstrated at a breakfast yesterday when Fiorina very bluntly talked about contraceptives and Viagra as viable options for modern women.

--> Barack Obama, clearly channelling some deep emotional trauma resulting from some childhood basketball tragedy, told a group of black high schoolers in Georgia, "You are overrated in your own mind. You will not play in the NBA." He also told them that most of them weren't good at rap, either. So much for the politics of hope. Of course, Obama is merely trying to continue his tough-love message of personal responsibility in the African-American community. But he didn't stop there. After the stop in Georgia, Obama continued on his ethnic stereotyping tour, going to a high school in Long Island and telling all the Jews that they would never work in Hollywood or be lawyers.

Actually, I realize now that Obama's inability to dunk actually results from gym rules, not physical limitations:

--> Looking forward to his acceptance speech, scheduled for 40 years to the day after the "I Have a Dream" speech, Barack Obama is planning on giving the speech at Invesco Field (the Denver Broncos' stadium) to a crowd of 75,000 instead of inside the Pepsi Center with the rest of the convention. This has been done before, as JFK gave his convention speech at the LA Colosseum. Of course, Obama has gone out of his way to avoid comparisons to people like Dr. King and JFK.

--> Speaking of obvious parallels to former Presidents, Obama is currently planning an international trip for the end of the month, and is considering a trip to the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, the site of Reagan's famous "Tear Down This Wall!" speech. Since the Berlin Wall has fallen (and, from what I'm told, that was because the Russians knew that Gigi was coming), there is no word yet as to whether Obama will demand that German Chancellor Angela Merkel tears something down in his honor.

--> Meanwhile, in this entry's ongoing saga of weird segues, Premiere Gorbachev himself, just having finished tearing down the wall by hand on Reagan's orders, attacked the U.S. government and both presidential hopefuls for their silence on military spending. Gorbachev asserted that the United States accounts for 50% of the world's output of arms and military equipment. This is a very serious issue, but one that the realities of campaigning prevent any major candidate from dealing with. Any candidate for the presidency who proposed that the U.S. should minimally cut military spending, let alone drastic reductions, would be painted as naive and not adequately defending this country. For all we hear about Obama's "new politics," even he is still bound by the requirements of running a national campaign. There's just certain things that no one can campaign on.

--> And finally, EDC would like to remind you that, contrary to popular belief, America actually has a President already. This election in November is merely to replace the sitting Commander-in-Chief, who theoretically still wields the full authority of the executive branch. However, it's certainly not to early to consider tributes to Dubya's legacy, and I don't mean the Oliver Stone bio-pic variety. A group in California has submitted a proposal to be voted on by its citizens this November. This initiative would rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant in honor of what will be George W. Bush's greatest legacy: cleaning up his mess after he's gone. Thus, San Francisco would feature the George W. Bush Sewage Plant - as far as we know the first time a President has been honored with the dedication of toxic waste treatment.

Hope you all made it through this in one piece. Hopefully there will be more tomorrow.