Unity, Disappointment, and Electoral Help From Osama! 134 Days to Go!

Tons of ridiculous news to get to today, so I must jump right in, because it is my sworn duty to poke fun at anyone with any sort of power (part of my 9-point plan to claim control of government).

The Veepstakes Rolls On Today:

--> Senator Joe Biden (D-DE), breaking the unwritten rule of not saying what he said, which was: "If the candidate asks me to be vice president, the answer is I got to say yes. But he's not going to ask me. Unlike most other people, I'm being straight with you. If asked, I will do it. I've made it clear I do not want to be asked." Unfortunately for Biden, asking for the VP spot is a sure way to not get it. Later in the press conference, Biden stood up and yelled, "I LOST THE GAME!!!" (By the way, I and everyone else reading has now lost the game). Also, my respect level for my own blog just went down the crapper.

--> John McCain is reportedly upset that his top 3 preferences for VP are unavailable/unacceptable to his party and/or the country. McCain was reportedly surprised that Larry, Moe, and Curly have long since passed on to the afterlife.

In all seriousness, there are very good reasons why McCain's apparent top-3 can't be chosen:

* Tom Ridge - former governor of PA, Catholic, moderate: what's not to like? Unfortunately, he's pro-choice. The party's conservative base would kill themselves if it wasn't a sin.

* Jeb Bush - Governor of a huge swing state with a presidential-sounding name, I can't imagine why Americans would have a problem with a guy named Bush in the White House again in 2009?

* Senator Mel Martinez (FL) - another swing stater, this one with a really helpful ethnicity...it's a shame that he can't constitutionally be President, having come to America at the age of 15 from Cuba. I'm told that he actually came over at the same time as El Duque...and is currently in better shape to pitch, too.

--> In more election news, it's possible that a dark horse has emerged in the contest to become John McCain's running mate. Based on recent statements by chief strategist Charlie Black, it seems that the political figure that can best help the Arizona Senator win this election is this guy:

Yes, that's right. In an interview with Fortune Magazine, Black claims that a terrorist attack on U.S. soil between now and the election "would certainly be a big advantage to [McCain]." Talk about playing on fear tactics! A Republican strategist suggesting that dead Americans would help get his candidate elected? Aren't 4,104 enough?

There are words I should use to describe this Charlie Black guy, but I'm not allowed to say them on TV. There are in fact 7 words I should use in this sentence, but I feel that this blog should remain child-friendly. Besides, if you want to hear those words, go listen to someone who knew how to say them. Rest in peace, George Carlin.

Other News of the Day:

--> Conspiracy theorists, start your engines. For the 5th time in the last 35 years, the President of the United States will be a lefty. Both Obama and McCain seem to favor their left hand (although that's about all McCain does with his left side), as have many over the last few years. With only 10% of the population being left-handed, that's a large coincidence for such a high-proportion of presidents to swing that way. Any lefties reading this blog, I respectfully request that you bring up my query at the next meeting.

--> The two titans of the Democratic Party, Obama and Hillary, plan on making their first joint appearance of the campaign this coming Friday. The chosen location: Unity, New Hampshire. Of course, the decision on the town has nothing to do with its odd name; in fact, both candidates got exactly 107 votes from the town during the primary. Symbolism aside, this is an important first step in getting Hillary supporters on board. Future stops are being planned across the country, as Obama promotes his agenda of name-appropriate locations. They include a joint appearance with Karl Rove in Accident, Maryland (a real place); and a meeting with Fidel Castro in Questionable Diplomacy With An Old Man, Florida (I can't imagine how the Spanish came up with that colony's name). This joke is getting old, but if you're interested in bizarre city names, check out this link.

My computer is acting weird, so this will have to hold you until tomorrow. I hope you've enjoyed this edition of All These People Are Insane.